Blog 1- My children’s book is coming out! “The mean beanies and the sparkly shinies!” Why Hurt people hurt people & how to throw forgiveness around like confetti
She was on the verge of tears, the first slowly falling down her pink cheek, my mouth went completely dry and no words came. It was a normal day at the park. Almost two years of almost all silence from my daughter, or a few chattering sounds or crying. She had a minor speech delay, slowly learning words and had just learned to say “play with me?”(She now is the chattiest little thing and she hasn’t stopped talking since!) It was bright and sunny out and Anabelle enthusiastically skipped over to a little boy playing with his trucks. I knew what she was about to say because we had practiced together. “Play with me?” she offered the only few words she knew other than “momma” and “dada”. He looked very concerned in his trucks and mulch game. “NO!” he angrily yelled. Anabelle looked back at me not sure what to do and began to cry. I wanted to cry (also because all the pregnancy hormones I had from carter in my belly).
This playground exchange is a very common situation that happens all the time. Not a big deal and very small scale pain. But. It broke my heart as I watched my daughter take on this situation as a rejection after learning these words for the first time. It was such a small interaction that deeply affected her. How could I explain to her that little guy is totally into his cars, not a big deal, it’s not personal! I tried “You’re fine” but she didn’t feel fine and I wasn’t going to force her to feel something she wasn’t. Maybe I should have led with “Anabelle you are awesome totally rocking those light up shoes don’t cry girlfriend!” But I wanted her to know the truth being that this little boy said “No” not because of anything that had to do with her. He was just excited and involved with his trucks. It had nothing to do with her. But she didn’t see it that way. It hurt her feelings and she took it on as rejection. It got me to thinking and I just got really curious about it ……how many times have I done this is my life? Took someone’s behavior, words, silence or actions on that had nothing to do with me, had certain unspoken or unmet expectations and personalized it. Walking away hurt thinking this person is a real jerk! Choosing to assume the worst.
Then I started to see this everywhere. In my own life, for example, when someone would cut me off in traffic. IS THIS GUY SERIOUS? WHAT A JERK? HOW’D THIS JOKER PASS THE DRIVING TEST? GET SOME GLASSES!! The road rage can be real. Is he a jerk though? Maybe he’s rushing to someones aid at the hospital? Going to help someone? Or just tired? Distracted? Maybe made a driving error that I certainly have made plenty of.
When I was teaching first and third grade these situations happened all the time in the classroom. My little students would come back in from recess and there would be a line at my desk of hurt feelings (usually voiced as anger) “She did this to me on the playground!” “It’s my turn!” Sound familiar to anybody? I would be eager to start my afternoon math lesson but realized these little ones will not hear a word I say no matter how cute and fun the lesson if they don’t have the tools to work through these feelings. It distracts and drains our hearts when our burdens of unforgiveness slowly steal our precious energy and thought life. I know this distracting and draining situation of unforgiveness well.
A mean beanie gets launched at us when we “take on” and have an angry/ sad response to a situation whether it was intentional or not.
There is a quote floating around out there on the internet, pinterest and in churches that says “hurt people hurt people”. My book seeks to answer… then what? What do we do and how do we teach our children to be kind and brave? So we know people may hurt us intentionally or unintentionally but how do we forgive? What does that actually mean and look like? According to Time magazine, “Emotional resilience in kids is the greatest indicator of how “successful” a child will be more than income, education, background, ect.” My book is a simple to understand, whimsical look at what emotional resilience is and how to build it in our kids, schools and communities. Children learn through story, we all do. And it is a tool a child you care about can have when they face difficult feelings that come with life. My book is for everyone! Adults too! I am extremely careful with the language that I use in this book. I only use terms and ideas that all children can understand with the hopes that I could be used in every public school setting. So all children can enjoy! If you want to know the reason for my hope it is at the end of the book on the about the author page!
Without further ado! I am please to introduce to the characters please meet: Cotton Candy Mandy, Avocado Anabelle, Nacho Nick, Ice Pop Izzy, Carter Carrot. These characters and this story tapped me on the shoulder for FIVE YEARS.
Cotton Candy Mandy is our brave Heroine on the playground in the book. A little boy, Nacho Nick didn’t want to play with her on the playground at school. He yelled angrily at her and it launches a “Mean Beanie” at her. Making Cotton Candy Mandy sad! Mandy is faced with the choice drop the mean beanie and forgive, or throw the mean beanie back to Nacho Nick, or hold onto it forever and feel sadder and sadder the longer she holds it. Cotton Candy Mandy decides to bravely forgive and releases the mean beanie so she no longer has to carry it around. As soon as she drops it a Sparkly Shiny appears! It is a beautiful surprise when we forgive. It can turn into many beautiful things a song, a donut party, or a new friendship. She ends up befriending the little boy that accidentally hurt her. And the sparkly shiny appears as a magical surprise for him as well to enjoy! In the book (and life) forgiveness is a clear strategic choice that builds and strengthens a child’s emotional resilience. The forgiveness is quiet and private but it has a public effect that everyone can see and wants to be a part of!